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| VAN BUREN ST WINOS | 
Date Thu Nov 13 12:12:12 p.m. ET 2008
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| Charlie Freitas has reported from the wilds of Manhattan that Coach Roy has left the Cowboy camp for parts unknown. This latest development comes right before their most important game against their arch rivals, the up and coming hard charging Winos. Rumor has it that he was spotted on the west coast, participating in several large scale protests and riots concerning the prop 8 vote. He was alleged to have beat up on an old lady who was carrying a cross and bravely counter demonstrating against the gay masses. Meanwhile, in the fair town of North Brunswick, coach Little Joe was whipping his team into a frenzy in preparation of the big game. "It's a sad state of affairs over on the other side of the Hudson River", he said. "In any event, we will crush those girly cowboys - just another stepping stone on the way to a glorious championship this coming January!!!" |
| CLARK COWBOYS |
Date Fri Nov 14 8:48:10 p.m. ET 2008
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| Charlie Freitas has once again let his warped imagination run wild...that may be attributed to the drunken stupor in which Freitas is generally found, and in which he fantasizes that he is none other than the Great Cowboy Roy - whose marvelous, firm butt the chicken-legged Freitas has always coveted and desired (I told ya he was perverted!!!) - and further imagines that this ersatz Cowboy Roy, this besotted imitator, has done what he himself would love to do: defend the dishonor of the Hershey Highwaymen of Californication. He obviously mistook Cowboy Roy giving an older woman - a beauty past her prime, but who, like Tina Turner, still has great gams - a Charity F**k for a beating; that was no bullwhip you saw swinging about, Mr. Freitas, that was the ol' Cowboy trouser snake. And the grateful woman held up her cross first to give Thanks, and then to fight off the leotard-wearing three-legged princesses who had gathered to see - and try to get a piece of - what the woman had just experienced. An impossibility, as the Cowboy's equipment is For Women Only... Meanwhile, the truth is to be found in the words Freitas himself uses to describe the treatment the Little General Nuisance gave his team of masochists: whipping them not only into, but also in, a frenzy. A habit he developed as a child when he was weaned off milk and bottle-fed wine, and other spirits, and which habit, depending on the severity of his drunkenness, can be either a show of his outright cruelty, or else merely a turn-on for his unnatural desires. Freitas' reputation (such as it was) has now made itself knee-high to the Little General himself, to the point where he now has to stand on a stool to kiss Coach Joe's low-slung, hairy arse. As for the Game - what will be will be, and the Cowboys will ride out their Destiny in Class (Something that the Winos could not have if they were teachers!). Cordially, Al Sousa Defender of the Faithful |
| PHILADELPHIA BALL&CHAINS |
Date Mon Nov 17 12:05:08 p.m. ET 2008
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| Dusty Lenscap has submited this photo of Cowboy Roy waiting for a taxi to tke him to the protests. After viewing this photo, one does wonder how Charlie F can come to seuch ridiculous conclusion about the Cowboys.
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| CLARK COWBOYS |
Date Tue Nov 18 11:55:24 p.m. ET 2008
Edited Wed Nov 19 12:05:38 a.m. ET 2008
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| CORRECTION The yellow-(mostly)garbed figure identified as Cowboy Roy was, in fact, not even a coach in the Disastrous Division, but a member of the Hopeless Division. The hairy ass in the photo actually belongs to Coach Amador, of the Merengues, who was preparing to drop his pants in search of Draft Picks for next year, since reality about the 2008 season being lost has set in. Dusty Lenscap told Charlie Freitas that the Merengues were offering their ass to Cowboy Roy, and Freitas, an NBC reporter who interned under Keith Oberman and Dan Rather, obsessed with all things Cowboy (as the Cowpokes were, in years past, the arch-rivals of the Little General when that worthy was still in the Disastrous Division), twisted the facts around in his twisted mind and came up with the wrong conclusion (as is his wont). We apologize to the readers who were taken in by this incorrect report. In a related side story, Coach Paul of the B&Ns also offered his rather extensive derriere to the Cowboys, but Dusty Lenscap was unable to photograph the sight because his camera did not have enough memory to take the panoramic series of photos needed to properly record the sight. For the record, Cowboy Roy turned down both offers; after taking one look at the offerings (two to take in all of Coach Paul's), Cowboy Roy demurred, not with his customary Quiet Dignity, but by screaming in horror and riding away as fast as he could get his horse to gallop. Eddie Tor Errata Communications |